i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Randomize
