life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
where are my eyebrows?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
