Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize