I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
