I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
