If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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