My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Say something about gay babies.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
