I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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