I wanna bring you to show and tell
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
