I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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