just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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