I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
