they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
