did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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