She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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