I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
