finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
