Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
