she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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