I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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