I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
