You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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