i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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