Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
