Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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