dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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