For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
