I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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