She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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