I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
