I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
