I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
