I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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