Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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