I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
