I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
