Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
