and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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