I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
