those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
