Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
