Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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