found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
