Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
