i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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