omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
