I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
