she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
