I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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