The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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