I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
