dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
