So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
